Lindsay's blog

Big Girl Blogger

2008-11-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

So I've officially switched to a more "mature" blog...Ryan didn't know if I was ready but I think the time has come. You can now find me HERE!!

I'm still trying to figure out the design of my page and how to add all my "widgets" but I'm excited and you should be too!

Whose burden is it?

2008-11-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

I've been trying very hard to not blog about the election. Now, I was a political science student and even worked on Capitol Hill in Washington, but this has been the most even-keeled I've been during an election. I've been really excited about what has been going on in my heart that has kept me from getting too fired up. I think I should thank my hubby, Ryan, for being an example to me of someone who can zoom out and see big picture of what is going on. He has taught me that God is still very intricately involved in restoring and renewing life right now, here on Earth.

I have noticed since the election that Christians are super worried about the causes of our faith now that Obama has been elected. First of all, McCain is no superhero savior. I'm not sure our causes would be any better off with him but that's not my point. Here is my point...

Proverbs 29:7

"The righteous care about justice for the poor,
but the wicked have no such concern"

Matthew 10:42

"And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward".

Matthew 28:19

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit"

These are just a few verses that come to mind when I think about who's burden it is to care about the things God cares about. It would be AMAZING to have a president who had a faith that was undeniable, clear, and apparent in their policy but we don't have that. We wouldn't have it in either situation but even if we did, the call to protect the unborn still falls on our shoulders. The call to treat all people as equal in the eyes of God falls on our shoulders. The call to make sure mouths are fed and people have access to health care falls on our shoulders.

How do we do this? Matthew 28:19

What if Christians infiltrated our workplaces, neighborhoods, parks, grocery stores, Starbucks, malls, apartment complexes, post offices, DMV waiting rooms, doctors offices, etc? What if we lived lives so radically different but with such gentle loving-kindness that even the mailman knew there was something different about you? What if we were the ones having conversations with our daughters, nieces, students and friends about the sanctity of life and the importance of purity? We need to be the ones sacrificing to care for the needs of that man who supposedly sleeps in the "boneyard" of our church. These are God's people.

I know this is a bunch of ideological passion talk, but it is also what has been handed to us as a Church. I don't have all the answers. I'm still wrestling with how to do it all but but we've also been told "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" -Jesus

Lets pray for Obama. Lets pray for the men and women who he will appoint to his cabinet. Lets pray for the believers who are a part of our federal government. Lets pray that God would place people in the lives of the Obama family who would be the voice of Holiness. And lets not forget that God never allows anything to happen that doesn't fit in the palm of His hand!

I've been tagged!

2008-11-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by Nicole to share 7 interesting things about myself! It didn't take long to figure out what I wanted to say...not because I think I'm THAT interesting, but because I'm constantly analyzing who I am! So here goes...

1. I eat french fries in twos. I don't know why, but I cannot eat just one fry at a time, nor do I desire to grab three or more. I like things in evens.

2. I am a rule follower. Perhaps its the need for order in my life, but I appreciate rules. The example that best reflects this is when standing in line for a Southwest flight. They now give you numbers so that we can all line up in order to board the plane. I seriously get so agitated when I see people lining up out of order so they can be closer to the front of the line. They give us numbers for a reason people!

3. I am maybe the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. I think about things so much that I rarely make a spontaneous decision. My mom would second this and tells people all the time that I was even so indecisive as a little girl that when she would take me grocery shopping, she would drop me off in the candy aisle, tell me to pick one thing out that she would buy me, and then go do her shopping. I would stand there looking at the candy trying to decide what I wanted for so long that she would come pick me up from that aisle when she was done and it was time to check out!

4. I was born tongue-tied. Yep, my tongue was connected to the bottom of my mouth and the doctors had to surgically disconnect so that I would be able to talk :) I have a little divot at the tip of my tongue because of it, I'll show you sometime.

5. I'm a recovering hypochondriac. It all started a few years ago when I was having serious stomach problems. I would just get intense stomach pain, nausea, and feel full after eating two bites of food. No doctor could find anything wrong so I started to think they were missing something. Soooooo...Dr. Lindsay discovered webMd.com and started to diagnose myself. Of course, I picked the worst case scenario (I'm also a recovering pessimist) and it all spiraled out of control from there. I'm happy to say I do not have leukemia....just a super acidic stomach that I take Prilosec for every morning :)

6. I may be quiet, but I usually do have something to say. I would call myself an introvert. I internalize things and am uncomfortable in a huge group of people. Thus, I tend to be pretty quiet, but don't let that fool you. I'm probably just thinking of all the things I want to say, but don't really feel the need to compete with the people who love to talk. Also, a lot of the time, what I'm thinking might get me in trouble if I say them out loud. I'm a rebel stuck inside a quiet girl's body. Poor Ryan is the only person who ever sees that rebel creep out :)

7. I relate smells to memories moreso than any other sense. I love when I smell something that floods my mind with different parts of my life. I can look at a picture of Christmas at my grandma's house and be able to reminisce, but if I smell brewing coffee during the winter, I'm actually back at my grandma's house crammed in the living room with the rest of my cousins playing "hide the spoon". I love, love, love the smell of no bake cookies, my dad's Polo cologne, cut grass, magnolias, Curve perfume, cigarette smoke (I know, weird, but thats my grandma swain), and flowers hot from the sun.

So here are the next 7 victims, mwaahaha :) Katie Sterbenz, Libby Snow, Katy Lang, Alyssa Burgess, Katelyn Sherman, Michelle Doan, Kelly Burgess

Blog about my blog

2008-11-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

It has been 46 minutes since I posted my last entry and I'm super stressed about it. There are a ton of people who I love and respect that would probably disagree with my post or feel like I'm perhaps attacking them or their churches personally. I just want to put it out there that my thoughts were primarily about simplifying things and seeing the beauty of Christ and this life he invites us to without distraction and wondering if the church could or should embrace that idea.

Simple and Pure

2008-11-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not even sure how to start out this blog. Oh...I guess that did the trick. I guess I should warn you that this is going to be an honest post about some thoughts I have on my mind. I know as a pastor's wife, I can't share everything on my mind publicly without having to rack my brain about how I might offend someone or get my husband in trouble :) P.S. I think that's sad, but unfortunately necessary. So here goes...

In church today, a good friend of ours, Brent, was teaching on Nehemiah 6 and pulled out a verse that I had never caught before but have not been able to stop thinking about. 2 Corinthians 11:3 says

"But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ".

Maybe this verse hit me harder because my husband is in vocational ministry so church to us is more than just being able to attend, or maybe its because I am a woman and we are notorious for making things more complex than they need to be (ok maybe that's just me) but I'm consumed with these words of Paul. After church the high school team had a meeting and we ended up talking a lot about distractions that teenagers face, not just in life, but even while sitting in church. We contemplated how we can reach 14-18 year old kids growing up in Orange County, the mecca of entertainment and distraction. We discussed how we can title messages better to grab attention, how we can convince kids to serve hoping that develops deeper relationships with Christ, and what the heck to do with the kids who grew up in church and know every answer to every question. I started to get very overwhelmed with this list of things WE need to DO to make kids get it so that they come out of their complacency and into "life to the full". This got me thinking on a tangent that I think is running rampant in churches today. I'm not quite sure how to word this, so bear with me.

I'm kind of frustrated with pastors and church leadership having to be so consumed with making church "better" through means of new technology, state-of-the-art soundboards, big screens with sweet graphics, cutting edge programs to draw people in and grab their attention. My heart is pounding as I write this because I know all the arguments made for these things and a lot of those arguments sound pretty reassuring. However, I almost feel like these things are being used to embellish Christ and that just isn't sitting right with me today. I know I didn't articulate exactly how I feel in that last sentence so maybe the more I type, it will come to me.

One of the rebuttals to what I just said is that we are in a generation of technology and HD everything, so the church needs to be a place that is leading the way in that area and remain relevant to our culture. But didn't Jesus' ministry go against the culture? Does Christ really need us to remain relevant through "things"? (Remember, these are just my thoughts and not meant to start an argument...I'm trying to filter!). To be honest, I wish church could be the one last place people could go to and escape screens and sounds. Paul tells us that we can and probably will be seduced away from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ. Don't those words just make you take a deep breath and believe again that you can do this whole Christian thing? That things don't have to be so programmed? I think if we asked everyone sitting in the seats at our churches if they would rather be entertained and awed by the church or rather be known intimately and cared for by the people who make up the church....most would probably choose the latter and the rest of them might be too scared to be known that closely that their ok with just being entertained.

Ohio

2008-10-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

Last week I spent time back home in good ol' Westerville, Ohio. I absolutely love going home since I haven't lived there in over 6 years. No matter how long I have been away, it still just feels like home and I need that in my life. I need a place of familiarity and family. It was such a great week spending time with my family. My sister gave birth to the first grandson/nephew of the fam back in June so this makes going home even more special and exciting for me! I spent half of my nights at my sister's house getting up with Eli during the night to let my sister and her husband get some real sleep. Its such an honor for me to be able to do this for them and for Eli, I know that we bonded even more this week. Since I can't be home that often, I have started praying for God to increase the intimacy and closeness we experience while I'm there. Its a pretty heartbreaking thing to be so far away but I just have to remember that we are in the place where God wants us...and maybe some day that will be Ohio again ;)

One day of the week my mom, sister, Eli and I drove up north near Youngstown to visit my Grandma and Grandpa Gebhardt. They are both nearing 80 so I wanted to get up there during this visit and of course, they wanted to see Eli again! It was a nice trip, such a beautiful time of the year to head up north. My grandparents live on a semi-farm in a rural area across the street from cornfields. Its probably what most people who have never been to Ohio always picture when they hear that I'm from there. We spent many summers, Halloweens, Thanksgivings, Christmases, and Easters in Youngstown. I wish I could share all the stories I have tucked away in my memories of grandma and grandpa's. The sights of the seasons, the smells of burning leaves, brewing coffee, and grandpa's flowers, the sounds of the animals and my uncles' hunting stories. I'm nostalgic for those times but as my sister and I picked some of the last of grandma's raspberries of the season, we both agreed that we want to create those memories for our children. I'm all about traditions and passing down things that were special to me to my children.

All in all, it was a great trip to Ohio. Here are some pictures:

P.S. About one year ago this week my parents took a picture holding up an orange Halloween onesie that my sister gave them to tell them she was finally pregnant after 2 1/2 years of trying...this year they took the picture of them holding their first grandchild in that Halloween onesie! Such a cool moment!

How to love my husband

2008-09-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

So lately I've been really interested in learning how to love people the way they best receive love. I have especially been paying attention to my husband who's main 'Love Language" is words of affirmation. This post isn't going to be any deep thoughts but rather a public commitment to put Ryan's needs first and be held accountable for the words I speak to him. I want to build my husband up. In our culture, I think its especially important for husbands and wives to pay attention to this considering the odds are almost stacked against us to have a marriage free from any serious stumbles or fall outs. I have loved coming to the realization of just how special marriage is and how much I want to protect it. How cool to know that while I'm loving Ryan the best way I can, he has his heart set on loving me the best way he can! Loving this :)

Can God outdo himself??? You'll never believe this!!

2008-09-21T18:19:00.000-07:00

If you have not read my previous blog post...please do so before reading this one!

Ok, so last Wednesday I wrote about our housing situation and asked for prayer. Let me tell you, this was not an easy thing as it allowed the blogging world into some personal information about Ryan and I's finances and mortgage decisions. Nonetheless, God has shown me that vulnerability and a little faith goes a long way. I left you with pleads to pray for the impossible. Well, Friday, only 2 days post prayer blog, our realtor called....

THE BANK ACCEPTED AN OFFER!!!!

No stinkin way?!?!? I know, that's what I said! AND, not only did Countrywide, er, Bank of America?? accept one of the offers but as long as we agree to pay a small small portion of our loan over the next 7 years at a modified 0% interest they will file the sale as "satisfied" and our credit will not be destroyed for the next 7 years as we expected!!!!

Umm....I think I could cry just typing this out. Wow...I'm still stunned with this whole thing. Isn't it funny how we ask for prayer for something and then are surprised when God answers? Kinda sad actually. This answer to prayer becomes the second example of what God is teaching me in my life:

I have always loved the idea of God's new mercies every morning. I'm pretty sure I've always liked that because at the end of most days...new mercies are exactly what I'm going to need to wake up to. Earlier this week I was extremely mean to my husband. I said very hurtful things that reflected what I know is not actually my heart, but rather the cleansing of a wound that I perhaps am not handling very well. We ended the night pretty quiet and contemplative on what was going on. I felt ashamed, he felt ashamed, we both felt scared. The next morning, he rolled over from snoozing his alarm and wrapped his arms around me. Grace... I felt wretched and he pulled me close. We didn't even need to rehash what had happened, there was just an understanding that we were both forgiven and needed to move forward. Ryan became the incarnation of God's new mercy. I believe God has taught me about grace through selling our house too. I thought it was about patience, but now I'm sure its grace. We don't deserve to be treated so kindly by our lender. Although the reasons why we had to move were out of our control, they didn't have to meet us where we were. We didn't get off the hook completely, and I'm kind of thankful for that. I know God disciplines to teach and because every good parent must discipline at times. That just shows me the brilliance of our Lord even more.

Thank you Lord for taking care of us. I know you didn't have to extend this amazing grace to us but you wanted to. You always want to. That is overwhelming to think about. Your grace is sufficient and your mercies never cease. I know you are teaching me this because you love me. I'm beginning to understand more what it means to be your child and depend on you and your provision. Thank you Lord for knowing me so well that you answered quickly ( I know, I know, we'll get to that next). You are good either way. If our house had foreclosed and our credit damaged you would still be good. Thank you that you chose to do things a different way. Again, your grace...

So, thank you all for your prayers. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, the support we've received during this time has meant so much to Ryan and I. I hope this encourages and excites you like it has me!

Does God forget?

2008-09-17T12:37:00.001-07:00

I just need to take a moment to ask for prayer. For some reason lately I have been asked quite a few times what the deal is with our house in Phoenix. Here is the deal:

ITS STILL FOR SALE

Now, I'm not saying that I doubt that God is involved with things such as real estate. But I will say that I am queen of comparing my situation with other people's same situation and have started to feel like God has forgotten about us. We've had some friends in the same place as us...needing to move to answer God's call but also needing to do the impossible and sell a house in Phoenix, Arizona. Each of them ended up with amazing offers which left them free from hassle and their credit intact. Not so much for us...

So here is what we need to happen. THE IMPOSSIBLE. We need the bank to actually accept one of the 2 offers on our house ASAP (they are busy dealing with forclosures). A bonus would be that our credit would be spared, or at least forgiveness in the future from a new lender of the unfortunate circumstances that caused this madness! AND, if you're a super prayer, you can pray for the even MORE impossible that some crazy lunatic would want to buy our house for FULL price :) I picture...big superhero, Christian investor man Haha

Regardless of what happens, I am absolutely confident that God has already used this situation to both teach Ryan and I about making such a big decision (such as buying a house) and also accountability and stewardship of His money.

On your marks...get set...pray!

P.S. Don't google image search Christian Superhero...who would have thought that would bring up raunchy images???? Geesh.

to cut or not to cut...

2008-08-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

My hair is at the awkard "not long but not short" stage. Girls, you know what I'm talking about. So here it is, your chance to give some input.

To cut...

Or not to cut..
.

Any thoughts??

East to the West, or West to the East?

2008-08-06T23:04:00.000-07:00

I took my mom and cousin to Newport Beach yesterday and was explaining to my cousin that the ocean we were looking at was the same ocean Ryan was surrounded by. We decided to send our love across the sea:
Hi guys!! Ry, love you so much, hope you can feel the love coming your way!

"Do not let them look down on you because you are young..."

2008-07-29T19:51:00.001-07:00

My 14 year old cousin lives with my parents. She does so because my uncle took his own life just 6 short months ago. This was her current blog post:

"Its time for a change.
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life

Well my life is, well, lets just say awesome .

This year has changed my life for the better.

Let me go over somethings...

1.My stomach problems are gone.

2.I've gone to a better school.

3.Made better friends.

4.Quit some stupid stuff I dont think I need to say what it was.

5.Played softball, got active again.

6.I'm going to church and made new friends there as well.

7.Haven't missed a day of school.

8.Got A's and B's.

9.I have a better relationship with my family.

10.I've realized how lucky I am and that everything is going to be okay things work themselves out I have my family and friends support.

I think God picked me out to go through the stuff I've gone through and maybe share my testimony to another kid in the future or one of my friends and just tell them that everything is going to be okay.

But when one door opens another door closes let me go over some of the bad.

1.I lost my dad.

2.I lost some of my friends.

But that's okay everything happens for a reason.

Right?

I believe so. I am grateful for my struggles.

So yeah everything happens for a reason."

Umm...wow.

I don't know about you but I'm not sure I would have had the capacity at the age of 14 to have a list of positives far outweigh the negatives. Especially only 6 months after losing my dad and completely starting over. "I am grateful for my struggles"??? I do nothing but complain about my struggles and wonder why some things just can't be easier. Seems like we can learn a lot from our young ones. I am so proud of her!

Stretch?

2008-07-09T14:31:00.001-07:00

So today I have been indulging in my quarter-life crisis by spending hours online looking for that "perfect" fit of a job. My search has left me more confused and more convinced that I am going to end up like Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation and be "holding out for a management position" when I have NO relevant experience with anything. All pity parties aside...I decided to turn on some inspirational music and take yet another spiritual gifts test only to find out that my number one gift is the same as it was back in 2001 and probably won't ever change. Not that I want it to change, hospitality is a great gift, I'm just not sure how to turn it into a career. There is of course the hospitality field such as a hotel but that's not really welcoming people into my home. (Lightbulb) Maybe I could open a hotel or b&b...if anyone would like to fund this please humor me with a comment. I think it could be cool, unlike my shameless attempt to just get someone other than my husband to comment on my blog.
Anyways...my mind immediately jumped to babies as that is the natural place in life I am currently a part of, but even more than that, I wanted to read about fostering/adopting. "Coincidentally" Ryan and I were both seperately thinking last week about adopting our first child and I have been thinking about it ever since. I jumped on a local website to read more about this and as I am reading about becoming a foster parent I hear a man's voice come across the radio telling listeners to "go to OliveCrest.org for more information about becoming a foster family". Lo and behold, that was the exact website I was on doing exactly what that man wanted me to do. Now, I know we as Christians have this uncanny capability of making everything a sign from God, even if there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the situation but come on...this totally weirded me out. I'm not sure if I'm convinced this was a sign but I'm starting to wonder if this idea Ryan and I came up with isn't really just the doings of the One who tells us to "Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:3-4

P.S. I still need a job if I'm going to support all the babies I told Ryan to bring back with him from his trip to the Philippines. Any ideas?

2008-06-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

I know most people jump all over this thing as soon as something happens in their life. I prefer the procrastinator's way of doing things...

Its been over a week now since we packed up our life in the desert and headed towards the Pacific oasis. It was quite the lonely drive as I followed Ryan and Bella (now known as Izzy) in the UHaul but I guess I couldn't complain about "Felipe" in the new Mazda! We were greeted with a warm welcome and tons of Calvary people moving everything out of the huge truck and into our apartment in about 20 minutes! Some of our new students even decorated our door with posters representing California specific icons. I also got to attend Ryan's first staff meeting where we were introduced to everyone. The staff is great and so so sweet. So far, our experience with Calvary and the people here has been refreshing. I love seeing Ryan just so excited about his job and role here and experience a kind of freedom that he so deserves. I can't wait to see what else is in store for us here because its evident that great things are happening and we're honored to be a part of it all.

Here are some pictures of our first week in California:

P.S. Bella is now Izzy because we couldn't keep her in our apartment so Eric, who works with Ryan, and his wife and two little girls adopted her from us. One of their girls' name is Ella so this ended up being quite confusing for both dog and baby. We were super excited about this adoption as Izzy's new family is so great and they have an awesome backyard for her to play in. We know they will take excellent care of her and love her as much as we do. I'm sure she will do the same for them :) Plus, she is only a mile away and we get to see her whenever we want and they have built-in dog sitters!!

So, a lot has changed in my life this past month. I have become an aunt, said good-bye to my family and new nephew after only 2 days, packed up my 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house in AZ, said goodbye to friends and family there, traveled 7 hours to move our stuff into a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment, and say hello to new friends. Whew, who needs Disneyland when you can just live my rollercoaster of a life?!?! One thing remains the same though and that is that God is good and so much of this change is because of our obedience to Him. Like I said, we're excited for this adventure and starting fresh with people we already love!

Long overdue

2008-06-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

Wow....where do I even begin to update you on my life the past month?? First things first, I am an AUNT!! On Friday, June 13, 2008 my big sister gave birth to her baby boy, Eli Ryan Stumpf. I'm not sure I will be able to find the words to describe what this has done to me. I already have tears forming in my eyes as I think about this little person who stole all of our hearts before he was even the size of a pea. You see, this baby was prayed for and prayed for for over 2 years as Kari and Aaron waited patiently to become pregnant. The months of tearful phone calls from my sister began to wear me down as I took on her pain and burden. Now, 9 months after the call we had all been waiting for, we stare at this miracle and my heart feels like it could burst. I don't know if I am just an overly emotional person or if its because there is just something special about sisters, but watching Kari become a mother has brought so much joy! I'm excited to see how Kari and Aaron grow together now as a little family with their son. Basically, what I am trying to say is Eli has already brought so much to our family and we are all absolutely nuts about him!! I can't even imagine what its going to be like to love my own children :)

Californiaaaa...Californiaaaa...here we cooooooomeeee!

2008-06-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

I spent all day Friday in California apartment hunting, as Ryan and I are moving to "Cali" in two weeks (sorry Calvary peeps, its just easier to say). The hunt was successful and I found us an apartment to move into on June 18th!!! Crazy!! Only bummer...we can't have Bella there. I'm going to lose it again if I think about it so thats enough for now. Anyways, just wanted to give the update.

P.S. We are 7 miles from the beach so all you AZ folk, COME VISIT!

Man's Best Friend??

2008-05-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've decided two things about our 2 year old Boxer, Bella. First, she is totally a mamma's girl. I cannot go anywhere in the house without her on my heels. Its endearing, but some times a little much. Second, she is way more intuitive than I give her credit for. Ever since we started packing up our house for the big move to California, she has been whimpering and whining and so so mopey. She won't come into a room if I am packing a box, she will stand at the doorway staring at me. She has also become very skiddish, but I think this is all because she knows that something is going on, something big. What I love about her mamma's girl, intuitive personality is that she stays even closer by my side on weekends like this where Ry is away at "Man Camp". God calls us out of lives fueled by fear and into His comfort and I'm pretty sure he created my beautiful little creature to be a tangible proof of that. I know she wants to protect me and can sense that I am a little uneasy alone. Perhaps its the part of my woman soul that longs for a different kind of little creature, but for now, Bella is my baby :)

What if He is silent?

2008-05-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

We've all prayed for neon lights or a "sign" to point us in the direction God wants us to go. But what about those times where He, as many fathers do at times, is silent as He watches his child make the decision? I think this happens more often than not, even Mother Teresa, when asked to pray for clarity denied the request because its not necessarily clarity that we need but trust. Its about trusting God not to give me what I think I need but to see me through. Journey vs destination. This is extremely hard for me as I figure out what trusting God is all about. I'm thinking that as long as I'm seeking him in the decision, I can't go wrong.

Ryan and I are facing one of the biggest decisions we will ever make in our marriage. This decision will be the start of a journey where we really see our two lives become one. We will learn to depend on each other more so than we have needed to here in Arizona. This is a decision that will not only affect us but our families, our friendships, our unborn children.

Please pray for Ryan and I as we set out to trust God. Pray for me, as a wife, that I would also trust Ryan as he leads our family, that I would support him because I know that he has my best interest in mind. I am excited for the change on the horizon and getting to fully experience what it means to cleave to my husband as we are now our own little family.

P.S. Please also pray that I don't have to give my Bella girl away to move somewhere. Thinking about that is the closest thing I think I can experience to being a mother and loving my "child" so so much :)

Pessimism wore me out, Fear suffocated my soul

2008-05-12T19:46:00.000-07:00

I will try to put into words what my heart wants to shout. I think I have not been able to blog because my fingers cannot keep up with my brain so I give up and settle for keeping my life to myself. Sometimes thats ok, even Mary treasured up her most surreal moments and pondered them in her heart. This, however, I want to share. Not only because of the liberation I am experiencing for myself but because I am absolutely convinced that many other women (and men for that matter) are bound by the same chains I allowed to hold me captive for years.

If my enemy could dangle anything in front of me to steer me off course, I know without a doubt it would be fear. Isn't it interesting and sickening how I found "security" in my fear. To those of you, like my husband, who seem to give fear a run for its money, this probably sounds absurd but stay with me. See, I let my fear of "ANYTHING sink in so deep to who I was that it became my familiar ground. It felt safe to fear because then I was in control. For example, my fear of being rejected by friends and family turned into my attempt to be their Holy Spirit. If I could only make sure they all loved me the way I wanted them to then I would never be hurt again.I have allowed myself to believe untrue things about myself, my husband, my friends, my family, and especially my God. In hindsight, I can point back to very specific incidences that perhaps were God's attempts at teaching, but instead, I allowed them to be instruments of defeat which skewed my trust in the One who is Truth.

This past week I read a book. I mean, read it. Like, started and finished it. I can't tell you the last time I did that. (These past 3 years have been crazier than I'm letting on). It simply walked through some familiar books of the Bible to lay out what each has to say about Jesus and the Way. Reading through this book was like one of those moments where you start to doubt how you still feel about someone you love because you've just been distant for a time, but then you catch a glimpse of them in a new way and your heart rejoices because it knows that your love is right and true. I was thinking today how cool God is to give me the ability to fall more in love with Ryan tonight than I even was this morning. No wonder marriage is a tangible reflection of Christ's love for the his bride, the Church, us. I can't tell you that I fear no more. But I can tell you that my fresh run-in with Christ this week has helped me decide to make the conscious decision to draw on His strength in my moments of fear. This will be something I have to decide to do every morning. To start training my brain to trust Him, and in return when fear comes lurking around to lure me back, I can face it head because of these words of my Jesus....

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" John 14:27

Ok Lord, here we go...

Representin' in the Ville

2008-04-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am a Westerville North graduate and no, that is not our mascot.

Do not be afraid

2008-04-01T09:56:00.001-07:00

We have a dog named Bella. She is a perky boxer who most of the time thinks she is human. She also thinks she is a lap dog and apparently hasn't figured out that she weighs about half of my own body weight. A few months ago....

every time I go to blog...a kid wakes up and I have to shut the computer. I don't even have kids. I need a new job....

go read Ryan's blog...its way better than this one

I have arrived

2008-03-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

yay!

:)