Pessimism wore me out, Fear suffocated my soul

I will try to put into words what my heart wants to shout. I think I have not been able to blog because my fingers cannot keep up with my brain so I give up and settle for keeping my life to myself. Sometimes thats ok, even Mary treasured up her most surreal moments and pondered them in her heart. This, however, I want to share. Not only because of the liberation I am experiencing for myself but because I am absolutely convinced that many other women (and men for that matter) are bound by the same chains I allowed to hold me captive for years.

If my enemy could dangle anything in front of me to steer me off course, I know without a doubt it would be fear. Isn't it interesting and sickening how I found "security" in my fear. To those of you, like my husband, who seem to give fear a run for its money, this probably sounds absurd but stay with me. See, I let my fear of "ANYTHING sink in so deep to who I was that it became my familiar ground. It felt safe to fear because then I was in control. For example, my fear of being rejected by friends and family turned into my attempt to be their Holy Spirit. If I could only make sure they all loved me the way I wanted them to then I would never be hurt again.I have allowed myself to believe untrue things about myself, my husband, my friends, my family, and especially my God. In hindsight, I can point back to very specific incidences that perhaps were God's attempts at teaching, but instead, I allowed them to be instruments of defeat which skewed my trust in the One who is Truth.

This past week I read a book. I mean, read it. Like, started and finished it. I can't tell you the last time I did that. (These past 3 years have been crazier than I'm letting on). It simply walked through some familiar books of the Bible to lay out what each has to say about Jesus and the Way. Reading through this book was like one of those moments where you start to doubt how you still feel about someone you love because you've just been distant for a time, but then you catch a glimpse of them in a new way and your heart rejoices because it knows that your love is right and true. I was thinking today how cool God is to give me the ability to fall more in love with Ryan tonight than I even was this morning. No wonder marriage is a tangible reflection of Christ's love for the his bride, the Church, us. I can't tell you that I fear no more. But I can tell you that my fresh run-in with Christ this week has helped me decide to make the conscious decision to draw on His strength in my moments of fear. This will be something I have to decide to do every morning. To start training my brain to trust Him, and in return when fear comes lurking around to lure me back, I can face it head because of these words of my Jesus....

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" John 14:27

Ok Lord, here we go...