Man's Best Friend??

Ok, so I've decided two things about our 2 year old Boxer, Bella. First, she is totally a mamma's girl. I cannot go anywhere in the house without her on my heels. Its endearing, but some times a little much. Second, she is way more intuitive than I give her credit for. Ever since we started packing up our house for the big move to California, she has been whimpering and whining and so so mopey. She won't come into a room if I am packing a box, she will stand at the doorway staring at me. She has also become very skiddish, but I think this is all because she knows that something is going on, something big. What I love about her mamma's girl, intuitive personality is that she stays even closer by my side on weekends like this where Ry is away at "Man Camp". God calls us out of lives fueled by fear and into His comfort and I'm pretty sure he created my beautiful little creature to be a tangible proof of that. I know she wants to protect me and can sense that I am a little uneasy alone. Perhaps its the part of my woman soul that longs for a different kind of little creature, but for now, Bella is my baby :)

What if He is silent?

We've all prayed for neon lights or a "sign" to point us in the direction God wants us to go. But what about those times where He, as many fathers do at times, is silent as He watches his child make the decision? I think this happens more often than not, even Mother Teresa, when asked to pray for clarity denied the request because its not necessarily clarity that we need but trust. Its about trusting God not to give me what I think I need but to see me through. Journey vs destination. This is extremely hard for me as I figure out what trusting God is all about. I'm thinking that as long as I'm seeking him in the decision, I can't go wrong.

Ryan and I are facing one of the biggest decisions we will ever make in our marriage. This decision will be the start of a journey where we really see our two lives become one. We will learn to depend on each other more so than we have needed to here in Arizona. This is a decision that will not only affect us but our families, our friendships, our unborn children.

Please pray for Ryan and I as we set out to trust God. Pray for me, as a wife, that I would also trust Ryan as he leads our family, that I would support him because I know that he has my best interest in mind. I am excited for the change on the horizon and getting to fully experience what it means to cleave to my husband as we are now our own little family.

P.S. Please also pray that I don't have to give my Bella girl away to move somewhere. Thinking about that is the closest thing I think I can experience to being a mother and loving my "child" so so much :)

Pessimism wore me out, Fear suffocated my soul

I will try to put into words what my heart wants to shout. I think I have not been able to blog because my fingers cannot keep up with my brain so I give up and settle for keeping my life to myself. Sometimes thats ok, even Mary treasured up her most surreal moments and pondered them in her heart. This, however, I want to share. Not only because of the liberation I am experiencing for myself but because I am absolutely convinced that many other women (and men for that matter) are bound by the same chains I allowed to hold me captive for years.

If my enemy could dangle anything in front of me to steer me off course, I know without a doubt it would be fear. Isn't it interesting and sickening how I found "security" in my fear. To those of you, like my husband, who seem to give fear a run for its money, this probably sounds absurd but stay with me. See, I let my fear of "ANYTHING sink in so deep to who I was that it became my familiar ground. It felt safe to fear because then I was in control. For example, my fear of being rejected by friends and family turned into my attempt to be their Holy Spirit. If I could only make sure they all loved me the way I wanted them to then I would never be hurt again.I have allowed myself to believe untrue things about myself, my husband, my friends, my family, and especially my God. In hindsight, I can point back to very specific incidences that perhaps were God's attempts at teaching, but instead, I allowed them to be instruments of defeat which skewed my trust in the One who is Truth.

This past week I read a book. I mean, read it. Like, started and finished it. I can't tell you the last time I did that. (These past 3 years have been crazier than I'm letting on). It simply walked through some familiar books of the Bible to lay out what each has to say about Jesus and the Way. Reading through this book was like one of those moments where you start to doubt how you still feel about someone you love because you've just been distant for a time, but then you catch a glimpse of them in a new way and your heart rejoices because it knows that your love is right and true. I was thinking today how cool God is to give me the ability to fall more in love with Ryan tonight than I even was this morning. No wonder marriage is a tangible reflection of Christ's love for the his bride, the Church, us. I can't tell you that I fear no more. But I can tell you that my fresh run-in with Christ this week has helped me decide to make the conscious decision to draw on His strength in my moments of fear. This will be something I have to decide to do every morning. To start training my brain to trust Him, and in return when fear comes lurking around to lure me back, I can face it head because of these words of my Jesus....

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" John 14:27

Ok Lord, here we go...